Foolishness since 2007

Foolishness since 2007
Foolishness since 2007

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Local Spanking Parlor

The spank-o-maniac that I am, I have often wondered/dreamed about a Pay-for-paddling business. Let’s say you get a speeding ticket. The fine is $100 or 20 licks. If you choose the licks you would go to a court approved spanking parlor, pay a nominal fee, take your licks and the matter would be settled. A great place to practice your forehand and get paid at the same time. Maybe it would be like this?

This Spank-o-matic was in a strip mall in the suburbs, right next to a Baskin-Robbins. The front was all glass, the kind that reflects the sun and that you can not see through. The name was in gold leaf in the door. A chime sounded when I opened the door. As my eyes adjusted from the bright sunlight to the florescent lights, I became aware that a female voice was inquiring “May I help you?” I focused in the direction of the voice and saw a pleasant looking young lady at a small desk. The name plate introduced her as Kim Magnum. I mumbled ‘Yes” and as I walked in her direction, I became aware that there were a few other folks in the waiting area. I told her that I was here to get a paddling for speeding as I tried to calmly fish the court papers out of my jacket pocket. Kim just smiled at my nervousness and waited until I handed her the papers. She looked at them and remarked “Oh, Judge John’s, — 30 licks — Wow! How fast were you going in the schoolyard?” I said, “No schoolyard, third offense.” She logged me in on the computer, said it would be a short wait and to take a seat.

I sat in one of the chairs that circled the room and tried to look normal and wonder why the others were here. Two men came out, crossed the waiting room and were out the front door. Shortly, Kim announced that Mr. Baker could go back now. And a few seconds later that Miss Star could go back now. That left me and another young man in the room. True to her word, only minutes later Kim matter of factly announced that we could go back now. I followed the young man through the door. There were two ladies waiting in the hall, the first one said to the other man to go in the second door on the right, the next lady said for me to follow her.

I followed her down the hall past several closed doors and into an open one. There was not much in the room. It had the look of a examing room. A padded bench was in the center of the small room. A large paddle lay on a desk, along with some office supplies, a computer terminal and a box of Kleenex. She flipped a switch on the wall and said her name was Sue Parker and asked mine. She glanced at the computer screen said that it indicated that I was to receive 30 licks and asked if that was correct. I said Yes. She said that we were being video taped and for me the stand at the end of the bench and drop my pants and underwear. I did. She moved a curved metal bar that was hinged on one side of the bench until it was around my upper thighs. It made a sound like handcuffs being closed, until it was snug against my legs. She then told me to bend over the bench until my chest was flat on it. Then she pulled a wide leather strap over my back and secured it. I was not going to be moving very much. I saw her pick up the paddle, take position beside me, swing her arm back and then forward. When it made contact, my breath came out and my bottom suddenly felt like a swarm of hornets had hit it. There was no pause between the licks. the licks rained down — left cheek, right cheek, left cheek as fast as she could swing. Before ten, I was squirming hard to get away. After a few more I was blubbering for mercy.

It was over! She released the strap and bar and told me to pull up my clothes. She handed me a coupla tissues, entered something in the computer and said I could leave now. With that she left and I did too — with a smarting bottom.

In the first grade, all the kids in my school knew the principal had a paddling machine. You might get some swats from the teacher; but if you were really bad, you would make a trip to the principal's office and she would put you on the machine and no one wanted that. I remember, the principal looking directly into my eyes one day and telling me that if my unruly behavior continued I would find out about the paddling machine. She told me it could give 20 licks a minute. She then asked me if I thought I could take that? I was already teary-eyed and this made me shake all over. Mrs. Ogara, the principal, was around 45, I guess, overweight and had a rather intimidating presence. Nevertheless, I was young, sassy and stupid, so while I never encountered the mechanical spanking machine, she paddled me several times a year all through grade school. I got paddlings from the teachers also, but the sessions with Mrs. Ogara stand out in my mind.

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